1
00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:43,141
Hey, old buddy!
2
00:00:44,978 --> 00:00:47,323
How was your trip to Chicago?
3
00:00:47,347 --> 00:00:49,715
Chicago was nice.
4
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:51,161
Yeah? Did you have a good trip?
5
00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:52,784
I ran into some cousins
6
00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:54,552
I haven't seen in a
good many years.
7
00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:55,832
Yeah? Yeah.
8
00:00:55,856 --> 00:00:57,789
I learned something
that you'll find
9
00:00:57,825 --> 00:00:59,891
of considerable
interest, my friend.
10
00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:01,470
They want you to
move in with them, right?
11
00:01:01,494 --> 00:01:03,195
Don't make jokes.
12
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,696
There's water all over...
13
00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:05,732
Is there a drip here?
14
00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:06,910
Yeah, been dripping all day.
15
00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:08,934
It's driving me crazy.
16
00:01:08,969 --> 00:01:10,346
This is terrible. Yeah.
17
00:01:10,370 --> 00:01:11,614
Well, tell me
about your cousins.
18
00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:12,938
What'd they say?
19
00:01:12,973 --> 00:01:16,191
What does the
name Blinky Madison
20
00:01:16,226 --> 00:01:17,625
mean to you?
21
00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:18,701
Gee, that's familiar.
22
00:01:18,729 --> 00:01:19,995
Well, it ought to be.
23
00:01:20,030 --> 00:01:21,497
It was your father.
24
00:01:21,532 --> 00:01:22,764
Oh, yeah.
25
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:24,611
He's used to blink
a lot, like that...
26
00:01:24,635 --> 00:01:26,296
that's why they
called him Blinky.
27
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:29,454
This isn't water; it
smells like... hmm!
28
00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:30,555
It smells like beer.
29
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,201
Beer. It smells
like beer to me too.
30
00:01:32,225 --> 00:01:34,593
Isn't that strange? I
know what you did, slob!
31
00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:36,439
Oh, it was an accident.
Forget about that.
32
00:01:36,463 --> 00:01:38,808
Now, how did you know
my father's name was Blinky?
33
00:01:38,832 --> 00:01:42,667
Because your father
tried to kill my father.
34
00:02:21,508 --> 00:02:23,641
♪ ♪
35
00:02:55,042 --> 00:02:57,709
♪ ♪
36
00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:11,423
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
37
00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:17,940
I didn't even know
38
00:03:17,964 --> 00:03:19,609
my father knew your father.
39
00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,077
I thought he led a happy life.
40
00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:22,401
Hey, watch it, buddy.
41
00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:24,369
Say anything you like
about me or my mother,
42
00:03:24,405 --> 00:03:25,871
but no cracks about my father.
43
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:27,505
All right, I'm sorry.
44
00:03:27,540 --> 00:03:28,684
I'm sorry. Tell me the story.
45
00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:29,785
I'm very interested.
46
00:03:29,809 --> 00:03:31,409
My father was a wonderful man.
47
00:03:31,444 --> 00:03:33,578
He was an optometrist.
48
00:03:33,613 --> 00:03:34,679
What are you laughing at?
49
00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:36,047
What was your father?
50
00:03:36,083 --> 00:03:37,844
My father was a maitre"
at a big restaurant.
51
00:03:37,868 --> 00:03:40,219
Some restaurant... Where
they don't serve food.
52
00:03:40,254 --> 00:03:41,553
What does that mean?
53
00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:42,921
Sit down.
54
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:47,959
I'm going to tell you a
story that will curl your hair.
55
00:03:47,994 --> 00:03:49,528
My father, Morris Unger,
56
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:52,097
was the most beloved
man in Chicago.
57
00:03:52,132 --> 00:03:55,367
Your father, Blinky Madison...
58
00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:57,936
ran a speakeasy.
59
00:03:59,607 --> 00:04:02,674
That was long ago, when
Chicago was really wild.
60
00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:07,045
It was the Jazz Age...
when folly was king
61
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,082
and crime sat in
the driver's seat.
62
00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:39,978
Aw, gee, Blinky, I just
can't seem to get it.
63
00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:42,413
Try it without the gum.
64
00:04:45,686 --> 00:04:46,918
Hey, gee, thanks.
65
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,286
You sure know a
lot about dancing.
66
00:04:48,321 --> 00:04:50,989
No, I know a lot about gum.
67
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:53,224
Give me a shot of
that tea, will you?
68
00:04:55,328 --> 00:04:57,295
Hey, that booze is too strong.
69
00:04:57,330 --> 00:04:58,663
Put some more water in it.
70
00:04:58,699 --> 00:05:00,242
Boss, it's half water already.
71
00:05:00,266 --> 00:05:02,033
We're not watering
down the liquor.
72
00:05:02,068 --> 00:05:03,635
We're liquoring up the water.
73
00:05:03,670 --> 00:05:05,303
Oh, I forgot.
74
00:05:05,338 --> 00:05:06,304
Hey, Bugsy!
75
00:05:06,339 --> 00:05:08,172
Killer, how are you?
76
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:09,975
Hi, Commissioner.
77
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:14,779
Tim, go change the
camphor in the men's room.
78
00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:17,933
Has the Big Boss
been in tonight?
79
00:05:17,968 --> 00:05:19,334
No, he's at the funeral parlor.
80
00:05:19,369 --> 00:05:20,468
Did someone die?
81
00:05:20,503 --> 00:05:21,948
Not yet, he's
getting an estimate.
82
00:05:23,273 --> 00:05:25,941
I'll get it. I'll
get it. I'll get it.
83
00:05:25,976 --> 00:05:27,843
Oh, it's a bunch of Shriners.
84
00:05:27,878 --> 00:05:29,111
It's a raid!
85
00:05:31,882 --> 00:05:35,000
Blinky, the Big Boss
ain't gonna like this.
86
00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:36,245
It's the third time this month,
87
00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:37,813
he's gonna have to bail us out.
88
00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:38,881
What's wrong with you?
89
00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:41,739
I don't know.
Think it's my eyes?
90
00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:53,317
All right, Mr. Belson, you
take care of those eyes
91
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,947
and they'll take
care of you. Next!
92
00:05:54,971 --> 00:05:57,204
Come right in, sir.
93
00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:58,918
What is your name, sir?
94
00:05:58,942 --> 00:05:59,974
Madison.
95
00:06:00,009 --> 00:06:02,005
Mr. Madison. All righty.
96
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:04,273
Now, what seems to be
the trouble, Mr. Madison?
97
00:06:04,297 --> 00:06:06,365
Well, I can't see through
little openings at night.
98
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,835
Can't... see... through...
99
00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:11,981
little openings... at night.
100
00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:13,416
Tell me, can you
arrange your schedule,
101
00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:15,051
so you can look through
these little openings
102
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:16,335
during the daytime?
103
00:06:16,359 --> 00:06:18,426
No, they're closed
during the day.
104
00:06:18,461 --> 00:06:21,429
Ah. Closed... during day.
105
00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:23,475
What seems to be the
trouble with your eyes?
106
00:06:23,499 --> 00:06:24,699
Well, I blink a lot. See?
107
00:06:24,734 --> 00:06:26,145
They call me Blinky. I see.
108
00:06:26,169 --> 00:06:28,514
Aha. Well, we'll change
that moniker, won't we?
109
00:06:28,538 --> 00:06:29,504
Sit down, sit down.
110
00:06:29,539 --> 00:06:30,872
Thank you, buddy.
111
00:06:38,766 --> 00:06:42,162
That's a great ad you got there.
112
00:06:42,186 --> 00:06:43,785
You mean on my back? Yeah.
113
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,665
Yes, my son, Felix,
thought of that.
114
00:06:45,689 --> 00:06:47,204
Clever kid.
115
00:06:47,241 --> 00:06:48,518
Yes. Seven years old.
116
00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:50,119
I don't know how
he finds the time,
117
00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:51,688
what with school and Boy Scouts
118
00:06:51,712 --> 00:06:53,044
and piano lessons
119
00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:55,141
and cooking three meals a day.
120
00:06:55,165 --> 00:06:57,376
Tell me, do you have children?
121
00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:58,716
Yes, I have a boy seven, too.
122
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,051
Ah. What are his interests?
123
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:01,253
Horses.
124
00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:03,566
Horses? He rides?
125
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:06,140
No, handicaps. Aha.
126
00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:08,309
Eyes of blue say I love you.
127
00:07:08,344 --> 00:07:10,645
Eyes of brown never frown.
128
00:07:10,681 --> 00:07:12,013
Your son again?
129
00:07:12,049 --> 00:07:13,815
Yes, my son made that up.
130
00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:15,349
I tell you, he's a pip.
131
00:07:15,385 --> 00:07:16,734
He's a pip.
132
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:19,471
All right, let's look at
the eye chart, shall we?
133
00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:20,916
Can you read the top line?
134
00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,090
I.
135
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:23,108
Next.
136
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:24,109
L-O.
137
00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:25,927
Next. V-E-Y.
138
00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:27,056
Very good. Next.
139
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,379
O-U-D.
140
00:07:28,414 --> 00:07:29,514
Next.
141
00:07:29,549 --> 00:07:31,816
A-D-D-Y.
142
00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:32,862
All right.
143
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:34,047
Now read it all together.
144
00:07:34,071 --> 00:07:36,538
I LOVE YOU DADDY.
145
00:07:36,573 --> 00:07:39,507
My son made that up, too.
146
00:07:39,543 --> 00:07:40,543
The pip?
147
00:07:40,577 --> 00:07:41,787
Yes, yes.
148
00:07:41,811 --> 00:07:43,756
Oh, that boy, I tell you.
149
00:07:43,780 --> 00:07:45,691
Well, there's
nothing much wrong.
150
00:07:45,715 --> 00:07:46,992
We'll have you
fixed up in a jiffy.
151
00:07:47,016 --> 00:07:48,594
Nothing much to worry
about. Oh, thanks, Doc.
152
00:07:48,618 --> 00:07:49,828
Listen, if you're ever
in my neighborhood,
153
00:07:49,852 --> 00:07:51,852
look me up, will you?
I'll show you a good time.
154
00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:52,998
I should be delighted.
155
00:07:53,022 --> 00:07:54,467
Good. Here you are.
156
00:07:54,491 --> 00:07:55,601
What's that, a prescription?
157
00:07:55,625 --> 00:07:57,620
Yes. Take that to your grocer.
158
00:07:57,644 --> 00:08:00,428
"Eat a bunch of carrots a day"?
159
00:08:00,481 --> 00:08:01,446
That's right.
160
00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:03,192
You have a little
night blindness...
161
00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:04,516
Vitamin A deficiency.
162
00:08:04,551 --> 00:08:06,212
Carrots will fix that up.
163
00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:09,904
A carrot a day keeps
the optometrist away.
164
00:08:09,940 --> 00:08:12,607
I made that one up myself.
165
00:08:12,642 --> 00:08:14,721
You're a pip, too, huh? Yeah.
166
00:08:14,745 --> 00:08:17,578
Pop's a pip. Yeah.
167
00:08:17,614 --> 00:08:20,093
You're gonna need glasses,
so let's try these on for size.
168
00:08:20,117 --> 00:08:21,760
Shall we? Oh, no, no,
no, Doc. No glasses.
169
00:08:21,784 --> 00:08:23,897
I'm not gonna wear glasses
and have my friends laugh at me.
170
00:08:23,921 --> 00:08:25,265
Nobody laughs at
glasses in this day and age.
171
00:08:25,289 --> 00:08:26,988
Come on, let's try them on.
172
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,472
Anybody laughs at you,
173
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,236
you just send them to see me.
174
00:08:44,908 --> 00:08:46,119
I'll get it.
175
00:08:46,143 --> 00:08:48,376
It's okay.
176
00:08:52,549 --> 00:08:54,782
Say, boss, since
you got those glasses,
177
00:08:54,818 --> 00:08:56,500
you haven't made one mistake.
178
00:08:56,537 --> 00:08:57,969
Yeah, but it ain't all great.
179
00:08:58,005 --> 00:09:00,639
Today I got the first good
look at my kid Oscar's room.
180
00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:03,958
I'll get this one.
181
00:09:03,994 --> 00:09:06,005
Yeah? Hi there. Is this
the Madison residence?
182
00:09:06,029 --> 00:09:07,161
What?
183
00:09:07,197 --> 00:09:08,640
Wait a minute. I'll get it.
184
00:09:08,664 --> 00:09:09,942
Hey, how you doing?!
185
00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:11,344
I see you. Can you see me?
186
00:09:11,368 --> 00:09:13,363
I sure can now! My eye doctor!
187
00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:14,397
Come on in.
188
00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:15,854
Well, well, well,
189
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,266
looks as though
you're having a party.
190
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:20,592
Yeah. Well, I kind of
have a party every night.
191
00:09:20,627 --> 00:09:22,761
Well, if I had a wonderful
playroom like this
192
00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:24,262
in my basement, I
think I would, too.
193
00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:25,941
How about a ringside
table for my friend here?
194
00:09:25,965 --> 00:09:27,142
Come on in.
195
00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:28,611
Well, I should have
telephoned before I came over...
196
00:09:28,635 --> 00:09:29,979
No. but I'll check your specs.
197
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:31,647
How are they feeling? Great.
198
00:09:31,671 --> 00:09:33,182
Look, Doc, I take 'em
off and I start blinking.
199
00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:34,650
I put 'em on and I see great
and I don't blink anymore.
200
00:09:34,674 --> 00:09:35,973
You look very handsome in them.
201
00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:37,186
Thank you. Thank you. Yes, yes.
202
00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:38,175
Here, sit down. Sit down.
203
00:09:38,211 --> 00:09:39,389
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
204
00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:41,123
What would you like to drink?
205
00:09:41,147 --> 00:09:42,958
Well, I think a little iced
tea wouldn't do any harm.
206
00:09:42,982 --> 00:09:44,382
Good idea.
207
00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:47,452
A little tea for my friend,
the best stuff, mostly tea.
208
00:09:47,487 --> 00:09:49,153
Looks like a jolly crowd.
209
00:09:49,188 --> 00:09:51,289
Say, speaking of fun...
210
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:52,857
You should have been
211
00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:54,909
at the optometrists'
convention this year.
212
00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:57,228
We held it in Cleveland.
213
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:58,830
Oh, boy!
214
00:09:58,865 --> 00:10:02,100
I tell you, we really
let our hair down.
215
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:05,653
We chartered our own
train, the Bifocal Local.
216
00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:10,375
We had a hot one going around.
217
00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:12,205
Stop me if you've
heard this one.
218
00:10:12,229 --> 00:10:14,229
The cross-eyed schoolteacher
219
00:10:14,264 --> 00:10:15,763
who couldn't keep
her pupils straight.
220
00:10:17,834 --> 00:10:21,135
Oh, I tell you, the
sky was the limit.
221
00:10:21,171 --> 00:10:22,203
Thank you. Thank you.
222
00:10:22,239 --> 00:10:23,883
Good. Okay. Bottom's up, Doc.
223
00:10:23,907 --> 00:10:25,907
Thank you very much.
224
00:10:25,942 --> 00:10:28,476
Oh boy, isn't that different?
225
00:10:28,511 --> 00:10:30,223
Yeah, nothing but the best, Doc.
226
00:10:30,247 --> 00:10:31,379
That's very good.
227
00:10:31,414 --> 00:10:33,915
Mmm! It's tangy. It's tangy.
228
00:10:33,950 --> 00:10:35,094
Good.
229
00:10:35,118 --> 00:10:36,195
I've never tasted this before.
230
00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:37,352
Where do you get this stuff?
231
00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:38,648
We import it from Tennessee.
232
00:10:38,672 --> 00:10:39,737
Is that a fact?
233
00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:40,783
Yeah. That came last night.
234
00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:41,884
Is that a fact? Yes, sir.
235
00:10:41,908 --> 00:10:43,620
Excuse me for a
minute, will you?
236
00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:44,988
Lucy? Huh?
237
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:46,522
I'd like you to meet a
very dear friend of mine.
238
00:10:46,546 --> 00:10:48,124
This is Dr. Unger. This is Lucy.
239
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:50,059
Show him a very good
time, be very nice to him.
240
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:51,628
Sit down. Have a good
time. Moe, come here.
241
00:10:51,652 --> 00:10:53,217
A doctor, huh? Yes.
242
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:54,585
You make house calls?
243
00:10:54,621 --> 00:10:56,187
No.
244
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:58,167
Oh... well, then we'll just
have to get acquainted
245
00:10:58,191 --> 00:10:59,958
right here, huh?
246
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:02,105
Uh, what do they
call you, Dr. Unger?
247
00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:04,929
They call me Dr. Unger.
248
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:06,909
No, no, I mean your nickname.
249
00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:08,477
You know, like
they call me Luce,
250
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:09,451
short for Lucy.
251
00:11:09,503 --> 00:11:10,802
Mm-hmm.
252
00:11:13,272 --> 00:11:15,272
Well, they call me Professor.
253
00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:16,975
They call me Shakespeare.
254
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,477
They call me Four-Eyes,
and things of that nature.
255
00:11:19,513 --> 00:11:21,757
Well, I think you're
the cat's meow.
256
00:11:21,781 --> 00:11:24,193
Could I be your kitten? Hmm?
257
00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:33,891
Luce... Before you
fall in love with me,
258
00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:37,295
I think you ought to
know that I have a...
259
00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:40,265
a, um... what's the
word I want, um...
260
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:41,699
wife... I have a wife.
261
00:11:41,735 --> 00:11:43,434
Gee, I'm sorry.
262
00:11:43,469 --> 00:11:45,465
Uh... How would
you like to dance?
263
00:11:45,489 --> 00:11:48,222
That might be a
first-rate suggestion.
264
00:12:07,511 --> 00:12:08,810
I'm a federal agent!
265
00:12:08,845 --> 00:12:11,445
This is a raid!
Everybody freeze!
266
00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:13,859
Get the hands up!
267
00:12:13,883 --> 00:12:15,616
Get those hands up!
268
00:12:15,652 --> 00:12:17,385
Everybody, get your hands up!
269
00:12:17,420 --> 00:12:18,819
I'm not kiddin', now!
270
00:12:18,855 --> 00:12:20,288
Hello, I'm the manager.
271
00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:21,689
Can I buy you a drink, sir?
272
00:12:21,724 --> 00:12:22,885
You want to buy me a drink?
273
00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:24,308
I'm a federal agent.
274
00:12:24,343 --> 00:12:25,921
For the last
time, this is a raid!
275
00:12:25,945 --> 00:12:27,044
Oh, come on, will you?
276
00:12:27,079 --> 00:12:28,646
Look, everybody's
having a good time.
277
00:12:28,681 --> 00:12:29,980
You want to spoil their fun?
278
00:12:30,016 --> 00:12:31,326
I work for the government.
279
00:12:31,350 --> 00:12:33,910
It's my job to spoil
the people's fun.
280
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:39,018
It's the Big Boss!
281
00:12:39,042 --> 00:12:40,608
President Hoover?
282
00:12:40,644 --> 00:12:43,823
No, the Big Boss.
283
00:12:43,847 --> 00:12:45,112
Hi, Boss.
284
00:12:45,148 --> 00:12:47,231
Good evening, Blinky.
285
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,067
Who is the gentleman
with the badge?
286
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,035
Oh, he's a Fed.
287
00:12:52,405 --> 00:12:54,973
Any Fed of the
government is a Fed of mine.
288
00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:58,509
Hey, that's pretty good, Boss.
289
00:12:58,544 --> 00:12:59,822
That's very good, Blinky.
290
00:12:59,846 --> 00:13:01,212
That's very good.
291
00:13:01,248 --> 00:13:02,625
What's the matter with him?
292
00:13:02,649 --> 00:13:03,848
Why isn't he laughing?
293
00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:05,083
Well, it's a raid.
294
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:07,196
Did you offer him our
hospitality, a drink?
295
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:08,570
Yeah. He said no.
296
00:13:08,622 --> 00:13:11,956
Well, it appears we're
dealing with an honest man.
297
00:13:11,992 --> 00:13:13,186
You sure are!
298
00:13:13,210 --> 00:13:15,543
Well, under the circumstances...
299
00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:20,915
Will that, uh, take care
of things for a little while?
300
00:13:20,950 --> 00:13:22,883
Forever.
301
00:13:22,919 --> 00:13:24,985
Come on over to the bar.
302
00:13:26,656 --> 00:13:28,289
Did you see that?
303
00:13:28,325 --> 00:13:30,403
Sure. Now with these
glasses, I see everything.
304
00:13:30,427 --> 00:13:32,393
That man accepted a bribe!
305
00:13:32,429 --> 00:13:34,123
Well, I wouldn't
exactly call it a bribe.
306
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:36,981
He took a great deal of
money for not doing his job.
307
00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:38,260
According to Webster's
Unabridged Dictionary...
308
00:13:38,284 --> 00:13:40,329
Stop fondling. This is serious!
309
00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:41,919
It's a bribe, all right?
310
00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:43,604
It's a bribe.
311
00:13:43,657 --> 00:13:44,889
That man should be reported.
312
00:13:44,924 --> 00:13:46,068
All right, tell him.
313
00:13:46,092 --> 00:13:48,652
There's the commissioner.
314
00:13:49,663 --> 00:13:51,395
That is the police commissioner?
315
00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:52,797
Yeah. Tell him.
316
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,365
And he's in on it, too?
317
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,478
Dr. Unger, everybody's
in on it except you.
318
00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:57,947
Now, have some fun.
319
00:13:57,971 --> 00:14:00,382
I want to see a smile on
everybody's kisser now.
320
00:14:00,406 --> 00:14:02,251
Lucy, will you show
him a good time?
321
00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:03,585
Relax, Doc, enjoy yourself.
322
00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:08,312
Am I the last moral
man left in the world?
323
00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:10,014
Well, I'm moral.
324
00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:11,627
Then why don't you do something?
325
00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:13,351
I don't get off till 4:00.
326
00:14:42,148 --> 00:14:43,748
Hello, Central?
327
00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:46,517
Give me the police.
328
00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:48,019
Police?
329
00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:49,815
Good morning, Sergeant.
330
00:14:49,839 --> 00:14:53,507
My name is Dr. Morris Unger.
331
00:14:53,543 --> 00:14:55,008
No, don't write that down.
332
00:14:55,044 --> 00:14:58,011
I want this to be
an anonymous call.
333
00:14:58,047 --> 00:15:02,883
What I am about to tell you
will blast this town wide open,
334
00:15:02,918 --> 00:15:04,952
but it must never reach the ears
335
00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:06,987
of your police commissioner
336
00:15:07,022 --> 00:15:09,624
because he is in on it.
337
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:13,177
Sergeant, I know I speak
338
00:15:13,213 --> 00:15:15,091
for every honest
man in this town
339
00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:17,515
when I say I am
fed up to here...
340
00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:19,717
My hand is under my chin...
341
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:22,970
With corruption in high places.
342
00:15:23,006 --> 00:15:25,373
How can I teach my
son to respect the law
343
00:15:25,408 --> 00:15:27,448
when those sworn
to uphold it flout it?
344
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:33,581
He squealed?
345
00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:35,828
So that's when my father
wanted to kill your father.
346
00:15:35,852 --> 00:15:37,184
No, that came later.
347
00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:40,588
After my father did what
any good citizen would do,
348
00:15:40,623 --> 00:15:42,451
that got your
father in deep water.
349
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:44,708
Big Boss was furious.
350
00:15:44,743 --> 00:15:47,878
So the next day...
351
00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:53,695
Well, okay, baby, that's enough.
352
00:15:53,719 --> 00:15:54,863
That's enough.
353
00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:56,820
Okay. Get lost, huh?
354
00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:01,359
How come every time
I kiss her on the neck,
355
00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:02,860
I get gum on my nose?
356
00:16:05,631 --> 00:16:07,432
Hi, Boss. You wanted to see me?
357
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:08,599
20 minutes ago.
358
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:09,767
20 minutes ago?
359
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,069
That's when you called me.
360
00:16:11,104 --> 00:16:12,815
That's when I wanted to see you.
361
00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:14,072
I'm sorry I'm late, Boss.
362
00:16:14,107 --> 00:16:17,008
Sit down.
363
00:16:17,043 --> 00:16:19,860
Your friend, Dr. Unger,
squealed about our little club here.
364
00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:21,429
He did?
365
00:16:21,464 --> 00:16:23,609
Yeah, and you know
my rule about squealers.
366
00:16:23,633 --> 00:16:25,099
They die.
367
00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:27,630
Yeah, it's one of my best rules.
368
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:29,320
Who's gonna kill him?
369
00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:32,190
We're gonna draw straws.
370
00:16:38,982 --> 00:16:41,149
Looks like you're it, Blinky.
371
00:16:41,184 --> 00:16:42,516
Oh, wait a minute, Boss.
372
00:16:42,551 --> 00:16:44,518
Look, when it comes
to cutting the booze
373
00:16:44,553 --> 00:16:46,520
or padding somebody's
bill, I'm the terrific one,
374
00:16:46,555 --> 00:16:47,789
but I can't really...
375
00:16:47,824 --> 00:16:50,057
I never killed anybody
in my life. That's not...
376
00:16:50,093 --> 00:16:51,570
All right, all right, all right.
377
00:16:51,594 --> 00:16:52,738
You don't want the gun?
378
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:54,140
No, sir, thank you. All right.
379
00:16:54,164 --> 00:16:55,574
Then I'll just give
you the bullets.
380
00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:57,542
I'll take it all. That's
all right. Get going.
381
00:16:57,566 --> 00:16:59,206
And Blinky... Yeah?
382
00:16:59,235 --> 00:17:00,579
Just in case
383
00:17:00,603 --> 00:17:02,903
you lose your nerve or
you change your mind,
384
00:17:02,938 --> 00:17:06,140
I'm gonna send a real pro
from Detroit along with you.
385
00:17:06,175 --> 00:17:08,709
Heel!
386
00:17:18,054 --> 00:17:20,037
This is the Heel.
387
00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:22,039
Heel? He's not
nice to ladies, huh?
388
00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:23,607
Not that kind of heel.
389
00:17:23,642 --> 00:17:25,425
Show him. Show him.
390
00:17:25,462 --> 00:17:27,440
He kills people with his shoe.
391
00:17:27,464 --> 00:17:28,763
With his shoe?
392
00:17:28,798 --> 00:17:30,276
That's pretty funny.
393
00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:37,121
It's not so funny.
394
00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:42,026
And you better do a good job,
395
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:45,462
or you'll wind up in the river
with a pair of cement galoshes.
396
00:17:45,497 --> 00:17:46,731
In the river?
397
00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:48,365
In the river.
398
00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:50,612
He's out to lunch.
399
00:17:50,636 --> 00:17:52,565
He won't be back till 2:00.
400
00:17:52,589 --> 00:17:54,688
You're right on time.
Make it fast, Blinky.
401
00:17:54,724 --> 00:17:57,325
Heel, do me a favor...
will you wait out in the hall?
402
00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:58,870
What for? Well,
I'm a little nervous.
403
00:17:58,894 --> 00:18:01,073
It's the first time I ever
bumped anybody off before.
404
00:18:01,097 --> 00:18:02,229
Oh, sure, I understand.
405
00:18:02,264 --> 00:18:04,209
Yeah, wait in the hall
and cool your heel.
406
00:18:04,233 --> 00:18:05,578
Okay? Fine.
407
00:18:05,602 --> 00:18:07,279
I think you're in
the wrong office.
408
00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:08,869
You want a podiatrist.
409
00:18:08,905 --> 00:18:10,671
Try Dr. Scholl, two doors down.
410
00:18:10,707 --> 00:18:12,640
He's young, but he's very good.
411
00:18:14,110 --> 00:18:17,544
Well, Mr. Madison, I'm
tickled to death to see you.
412
00:18:17,580 --> 00:18:19,291
I have a confession to make.
413
00:18:19,315 --> 00:18:21,816
I owe you an apology.
414
00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:25,619
I'm the one who phoned the
police about your speakeasy.
415
00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:28,756
I'm sorry, but... I
squeaked on you.
416
00:18:28,792 --> 00:18:30,975
That's squealed.
417
00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:32,253
Well, whatever.
418
00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:33,956
I-I'm not conversant
with gutter lingo.
419
00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:36,158
I hope you're not angry with me.
420
00:18:36,182 --> 00:18:38,082
No, no, no, I'm not
angry with you, Doc,
421
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,784
and there's something
I have to tell you.
422
00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:41,686
I hope you're not
gonna be angry with me.
423
00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:43,165
Why should I be angry with you?
424
00:18:43,189 --> 00:18:44,388
I'm gonna kill you.
425
00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:47,474
Well, I'm not angry.
426
00:18:47,509 --> 00:18:49,576
I'm disappointed.
427
00:18:50,646 --> 00:18:52,279
This is a joke, isn't it?
428
00:18:52,315 --> 00:18:53,592
Some sort of hoodlum humor?
429
00:18:53,616 --> 00:18:55,315
No, I don't want to kill you,
430
00:18:55,351 --> 00:18:56,834
but the Boss gave me orders.
431
00:18:56,869 --> 00:18:58,280
You mean, you're
really going to do it?
432
00:18:58,304 --> 00:18:59,514
You're just going
to come in here
433
00:18:59,538 --> 00:19:01,517
and kill me without
an appointment?
434
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:02,673
Yup.
435
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:03,852
That's a gun.
436
00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:05,076
You got good eyes, Doc.
437
00:19:05,111 --> 00:19:07,206
It's a real gun
that shoots bullets?
438
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:09,307
It doesn't shoot water
or go bang, bang?
439
00:19:09,331 --> 00:19:11,182
Oh, yeah... see, here's
where the serial number
440
00:19:11,217 --> 00:19:12,344
was filed off and everything.
441
00:19:12,368 --> 00:19:13,683
Yes, well...
442
00:19:13,719 --> 00:19:15,697
everything certainly
seems to be in order.
443
00:19:15,721 --> 00:19:18,355
Try not to make
too much of a mess.
444
00:19:20,492 --> 00:19:23,611
Would it be all right if I
answered my telephone?
445
00:19:23,646 --> 00:19:26,079
All right, Doc, but I
got you covered, okay?
446
00:19:29,218 --> 00:19:31,318
Good-bye.
447
00:19:31,353 --> 00:19:33,487
I mean, hello?
448
00:19:33,523 --> 00:19:35,756
Hello, Felix.
449
00:19:35,791 --> 00:19:37,758
It's my son.
450
00:19:37,793 --> 00:19:39,638
What are you doing, son?
451
00:19:39,662 --> 00:19:42,897
Helping Grandma
make bouillabaisse.
452
00:19:45,068 --> 00:19:46,700
Isn't that remarkable?
453
00:19:46,735 --> 00:19:48,786
What?
454
00:19:48,821 --> 00:19:50,549
Well, of course,
she's going to spill
455
00:19:50,573 --> 00:19:52,389
something every now and then.
456
00:19:52,425 --> 00:19:55,259
She's getting old, son, but
don't let that make you angry.
457
00:19:55,294 --> 00:19:56,427
Tell you what.
458
00:19:56,462 --> 00:19:58,373
Why don't you use
that nice new sponge
459
00:19:58,397 --> 00:19:59,796
I gave you for your birthday?
460
00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:01,749
Good.
461
00:20:02,918 --> 00:20:04,852
I love you, too.
462
00:20:06,055 --> 00:20:07,988
Good-bye.
463
00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:13,561
Where were we?
464
00:20:14,697 --> 00:20:16,497
I can't do it.
465
00:20:16,532 --> 00:20:17,998
Fine! Tell you what.
466
00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:19,650
The coffee's on me.
467
00:20:19,685 --> 00:20:20,801
You don't understand, Doc.
468
00:20:20,836 --> 00:20:22,570
I may not have
the guts to kill you,
469
00:20:22,605 --> 00:20:24,538
but there's a guy out
in the hall that can.
470
00:20:24,574 --> 00:20:26,885
They call him the Heel because
he kills people with his shoe.
471
00:20:26,909 --> 00:20:29,037
You mean that poor
little fellow with the limp?
472
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,010
Yeah.
473
00:20:30,046 --> 00:20:31,378
Listen, if I don't shoot you,
474
00:20:31,413 --> 00:20:32,980
he's gonna tap
dance you to death.
475
00:20:33,015 --> 00:20:35,160
Well, you've got the gun.
476
00:20:35,184 --> 00:20:36,561
Why don't you shoot him?
477
00:20:36,585 --> 00:20:37,851
Because I can't shoot anybody.
478
00:20:37,886 --> 00:20:39,819
If I could, I would shoot you.
479
00:20:39,855 --> 00:20:41,655
It would make it easier on me.
480
00:20:41,690 --> 00:20:43,001
Give me the gun. What?
481
00:20:43,025 --> 00:20:44,853
I'll show you how to do it.
482
00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:47,127
Wow!
483
00:20:47,162 --> 00:20:50,181
You're a cool cucumber,
all right, aren't you?
484
00:20:50,216 --> 00:20:52,776
You don't get to the
top of the eye game
485
00:20:52,801 --> 00:20:55,436
without nerves of steel.
486
00:20:55,471 --> 00:20:58,031
Show your little friend in.
487
00:20:58,057 --> 00:21:00,174
Okay.
488
00:21:00,209 --> 00:21:02,026
The doctor'll see you now.
489
00:21:02,061 --> 00:21:05,146
Oh... so you're still alive.
490
00:21:05,181 --> 00:21:07,748
You can bet the cockeyed
world I'm still alive,
491
00:21:07,783 --> 00:21:09,182
you two-bit punk.
492
00:21:09,218 --> 00:21:11,118
Finally met your
match, didn't you?
493
00:21:11,153 --> 00:21:13,770
I guess you never came up
before an optometrist before.
494
00:21:13,805 --> 00:21:15,372
Give me the gun.
495
00:21:15,407 --> 00:21:16,723
Fat chance, bimbo.
496
00:21:16,759 --> 00:21:19,226
Hand... Hand it over to me.
497
00:21:19,262 --> 00:21:21,073
Shoot him, Doc,
shoot him, shoot him!
498
00:21:21,097 --> 00:21:24,131
Don't come any closer... please.
499
00:21:24,167 --> 00:21:26,100
I'll give you a dollar.
500
00:21:27,570 --> 00:21:29,148
Aw, heck, I can't shoot him.
501
00:21:29,172 --> 00:21:30,349
Nerves of steel?
502
00:21:30,373 --> 00:21:31,605
Well, you should talk.
503
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:33,385
If you'd shot me the way
you were supposed to,
504
00:21:33,409 --> 00:21:34,775
we wouldn't be in this mess.
505
00:21:36,112 --> 00:21:38,824
Well... All right,
gunsel, make it fast.
506
00:21:38,848 --> 00:21:41,648
I can't do it.
507
00:21:41,684 --> 00:21:43,701
Well, what do you know.
508
00:21:43,736 --> 00:21:45,302
He's the same as we are.
509
00:21:45,338 --> 00:21:47,437
Oh, I should do
it for sayin' that.
510
00:21:47,473 --> 00:21:49,256
Now, you guys get out of town
511
00:21:49,292 --> 00:21:50,557
before you blow my cover.
512
00:21:50,592 --> 00:21:51,770
What cover?
513
00:21:51,794 --> 00:21:54,662
I'm a federal agent.
514
00:21:54,697 --> 00:21:55,979
Wow!
515
00:21:56,014 --> 00:21:57,781
A G-man!
516
00:21:57,816 --> 00:22:00,667
Now you guys, hide
away, and then leave town,
517
00:22:00,703 --> 00:22:03,737
and don't come
back for 25 years.
518
00:22:03,772 --> 00:22:05,071
25 years?
519
00:22:05,107 --> 00:22:07,040
Why, I'll miss the world's fair.
520
00:22:07,075 --> 00:22:08,636
Oh, forget that, will ya?
521
00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:12,713
Listen, young man, I'm
glad you're on our side.
522
00:22:12,748 --> 00:22:14,147
I didn't get your name.
523
00:22:14,183 --> 00:22:17,184
Ness. Eliot Ness.
524
00:22:20,723 --> 00:22:23,039
Eliot Ness.
525
00:22:23,075 --> 00:22:24,808
Remember that name.
526
00:22:26,211 --> 00:22:27,645
That is the dumbest,
527
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:30,247
the most unbelievable
story I ever heard in my life.
528
00:22:30,283 --> 00:22:33,384
Were your cousins on the sauce
when they told you that story?
529
00:22:33,419 --> 00:22:35,430
You're scoffing. Of
course, I'm scoffing.
530
00:22:35,454 --> 00:22:37,065
Things like that used
to happen in those days.
531
00:22:37,089 --> 00:22:38,567
What are you...?
532
00:22:38,591 --> 00:22:40,023
I'm going to show you something
533
00:22:40,058 --> 00:22:42,225
that will make a true
believer out of you.
534
00:22:42,261 --> 00:22:43,405
Nothing. It's impossible.
535
00:22:43,429 --> 00:22:44,606
I can't believe that story.
536
00:22:44,630 --> 00:22:46,263
This is a family heirloom.
537
00:22:46,299 --> 00:22:48,443
This doesn't prove anything.
538
00:22:48,467 --> 00:22:51,027
That story never
happened... look!
539
00:22:53,356 --> 00:22:56,106
Or did it?
540
00:23:09,555 --> 00:23:11,705
Now, maybe you'll believe me?
541
00:23:11,740 --> 00:23:13,040
It was because of that
542
00:23:13,076 --> 00:23:15,142
that both our families
had to leave town.
543
00:23:15,177 --> 00:23:17,355
Mine went to Oklahoma,
and yours went to New York.
544
00:23:17,379 --> 00:23:20,230
But first, they had to hide
out in a hotel for several days.
545
00:23:20,266 --> 00:23:21,498
In a hotel? Yeah.
546
00:23:21,533 --> 00:23:24,101
Felix, did you have a
pair of knickers, corduroy,
547
00:23:24,136 --> 00:23:25,552
that whistle when you walk?
548
00:23:25,588 --> 00:23:27,583
I used to when I was
a kid. I've still got 'em.
549
00:23:28,941 --> 00:23:30,085
Those were my favorite knickers.
550
00:23:30,109 --> 00:23:31,253
You're the one! What?
551
00:23:31,277 --> 00:23:32,421
Don't you remember? What?
552
00:23:32,445 --> 00:23:33,589
We met! When?
553
00:23:33,613 --> 00:23:34,893
When we were kids.
554
00:23:57,487 --> 00:23:59,436
Come in.
555
00:24:00,605 --> 00:24:02,623
Hi. I'm Felix.
556
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:07,578
You're spilling soda
all over yourself.
557
00:24:07,613 --> 00:24:09,729
That's my style, kid.
You want some soda?
558
00:24:09,765 --> 00:24:11,198
No.
559
00:24:11,233 --> 00:24:13,617
Want to play football?
560
00:24:13,652 --> 00:24:14,968
No.
561
00:24:15,004 --> 00:24:16,236
Want to play baseball?
562
00:24:16,271 --> 00:24:17,621
No.
563
00:24:17,656 --> 00:24:18,638
What do you want to do?
564
00:24:18,674 --> 00:24:20,190
I want to bake bread.